I told myself this morning after a long night of heartache.. that I will not drop a tear on my past relationship again. I find that the more I try, the harder it is to let go. I finally gained closure though... truth was told... truth that was unbearable... but honest and something I needed to start letting go. I promised her that we'll be friends after... and I will keep true... but I need time... I never thought of a different woman while I was with her.
I then started to think about what I have made of myself... the friends that I've made over the course of college... my undergraduate years... and I have not done much... I spent all my energy into loving someone.... I have lived.. and now.. I've died once more. It's amazing how much time I have spent with that someone... all the things that I've got to know.. all the great qualities... all the quirks... where I've learned to love her quirks.. I realize she hated mine.... My corny jokes no longer brought a smile to her face. I've even learned to cook korean food... because she liked it so much... where would I use that skill now? .. food isn't that great unless you have someone to share it with .. nothing tastes good right now... and nothing feels right... I'm a wonderer... searching again.. for something.. that I don't even know anymore. How long will it take for this to heal now.. now that a large chunk of my heart is missing... I'm no doctor.. but i know heart doesn't grow back..
What will I do now? this question alludes me... people tell me that I shouldn't be stuck in a shithole called self pity... and be optimistic.. and move on..but i don't know... I don't know what is the right move... my heart doesn't go the way it should... and it holds me back from moving on.. maybe we are programmed this way... programmed to not move on too quickly.. so as if it's to pay some respect to the person you're not with anymore... but it shouldn't be this way.. if the other person has already moved on... Things are so much simpler in the world of computers... you get an error you find a way to fix it.. debug it... patch it... whatever... you work with what you have... in the real world... there's no patching, no debugging or fixing... only moving on.. and working with what you don't have anymore.. working with the void that was created by someone you love.. gone.
So this is the end of my second relationship. I've learned a lot.. but I feel that I leave this relationship... a bit bitter.. without feeling loved. Perhaps the girl didn't deserve so much from me.. because I poured everything I had... I feel empty.. like a pot that was full of soup... and now it's gone... it was all used to feed someone...
Here I wallow on my post.. maybe I will move on .. hopefully soon...
okay... since you are in need of some optimism in your current state.
ReplyDeletethere's no need to be bitter.
you know that quote? "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?" (it was referenced in a Boys Like Girls song... that i don't like! haha. and the chorus has been replaying in my head... annoyingly.) somewhat of a hackneyed line, but it does have truth to it.
because loving IS losing, even if you stay with your significant other for the rest of your life and never break up, isn't it? and you can't say you really love someone if you haven't had to make some decision/sacrifice/compromise concerning them, or had to put your own selfish wants on the backburner, or put out time and effort to talk with them/ spend time with them/ get to know them etcetera. (which is why i probably will not LOVE anyone. because i am much too selfish! haha)
so... since loving is losing... everyone's a loser! doesn't matter who broke up with who. some people lose a lot, and others don't realize how much they've lost or never had.
and in the end, although you feel the futility of pouring out your life essence into making your relationship work, its not as though you didn't get anything out of it. so maybe you guys spent so much time together that you forgot about your other friends. you still got to know each other so well and got so close! if you guys continue to be friends, at least you know you've gained a good friend from it all. and it seems this is what people normally do in the first place... so its nothing to feel bad for. now that things are over, you can learn to walk again on your own, pick up some relationships with others that you put on hold if you feel they are worth it, set goals, it's endless...
chances are she probably feels really bad for liking someone else while being with you and feels guilty for not being able to control how she feels, which might be why she didn't want to tell you... she wants to keep you as a friend, and the trust there still exists which she must have not wanted to break. the good thing is that you guys are still willing to speak to each other... even if you can't now at least later when you guys do you each can say you walked away with something.
okay, from someone who has never loved, i hope what i have to say this time will help!
chin up! you can do it! learn how to make different salad vinaigrettes so that if you finally decide to binge it'll be on something healthy :D