Heartbreak.

I told myself this morning after a long night of heartache.. that I will not drop a tear on my past relationship again. I find that the more I try, the harder it is to let go. I finally gained closure though... truth was told... truth that was unbearable... but honest and something I needed to start letting go. I promised her that we'll be friends after... and I will keep true... but I need time... I never thought of a different woman while I was with her.

I then started to think about what I have made of myself... the friends that I've made over the course of college... my undergraduate years... and I have not done much... I spent all my energy into loving someone.... I have lived.. and now.. I've died once more. It's amazing how much time I have spent with that someone... all the things that I've got to know.. all the great qualities... all the quirks... where I've learned to love her quirks.. I realize she hated mine.... My corny jokes no longer brought a smile to her face. I've even learned to cook korean food... because she liked it so much... where would I use that skill now? .. food isn't that great unless you have someone to share it with .. nothing tastes good right now... and nothing feels right... I'm a wonderer... searching again.. for something.. that I don't even know anymore. How long will it take for this to heal now.. now that a large chunk of my heart is missing... I'm no doctor.. but i know heart doesn't grow back..

What will I do now? this question alludes me... people tell me that I shouldn't be stuck in a shithole called self pity... and be optimistic.. and move on..but i don't know... I don't know what is the right move... my heart doesn't go the way it should... and it holds me back from moving on.. maybe we are programmed this way... programmed to not move on too quickly.. so as if it's to pay some respect to the person you're not with anymore... but it shouldn't be this way.. if the other person has already moved on... Things are so much simpler in the world of computers... you get an error you find a way to fix it.. debug it... patch it... whatever... you work with what you have... in the real world... there's no patching, no debugging or fixing... only moving on.. and working with what you don't have anymore.. working with the void that was created by someone you love.. gone.

So this is the end of my second relationship. I've learned a lot.. but I feel that I leave this relationship... a bit bitter.. without feeling loved. Perhaps the girl didn't deserve so much from me.. because I poured everything I had... I feel empty.. like a pot that was full of soup... and now it's gone... it was all used to feed someone...

Here I wallow on my post.. maybe I will move on .. hopefully soon...

Make it stop.

I have to say that many things happen without you expecting. I wish things went according to plan.. I hate that plans don't work out when it involves another person.. but that's maybe what people have such a hard time finding in life. Making their plans correlate with another person.. but for that to happen so many things have to be right.. like interests, life style, desires, family's virtues...

This brings me back to the night that I burned a few things out of my life... things that reminded me of certain someone... while it was a great memento of the times you spend with the other, it also was a source of great sadness.. of what didn't work out.. you feel like a failure again. So there is a pattern to how this works.. some people try to get over another person by indulging on food... or drugs.. like alcohol or weed.... some people will gain a lot of weight.. some people will lose a lot of weight... some people become bitter and very closed.... some people will mourn for a few weeks and.. somehow come to the realization of moving on.. like a miracle... I wonder what I will be this time. Would I follow the pattern that was a destructive hurricane of seeing random woman? Would I eat to a point where a peer will make fun of my weight? would i .. become bitter? stay tuned..