I told myself this morning after a long night of heartache.. that I will not drop a tear on my past relationship again. I find that the more I try, the harder it is to let go. I finally gained closure though... truth was told... truth that was unbearable... but honest and something I needed to start letting go. I promised her that we'll be friends after... and I will keep true... but I need time... I never thought of a different woman while I was with her.
I then started to think about what I have made of myself... the friends that I've made over the course of college... my undergraduate years... and I have not done much... I spent all my energy into loving someone.... I have lived.. and now.. I've died once more. It's amazing how much time I have spent with that someone... all the things that I've got to know.. all the great qualities... all the quirks... where I've learned to love her quirks.. I realize she hated mine.... My corny jokes no longer brought a smile to her face. I've even learned to cook korean food... because she liked it so much... where would I use that skill now? .. food isn't that great unless you have someone to share it with .. nothing tastes good right now... and nothing feels right... I'm a wonderer... searching again.. for something.. that I don't even know anymore. How long will it take for this to heal now.. now that a large chunk of my heart is missing... I'm no doctor.. but i know heart doesn't grow back..
What will I do now? this question alludes me... people tell me that I shouldn't be stuck in a shithole called self pity... and be optimistic.. and move on..but i don't know... I don't know what is the right move... my heart doesn't go the way it should... and it holds me back from moving on.. maybe we are programmed this way... programmed to not move on too quickly.. so as if it's to pay some respect to the person you're not with anymore... but it shouldn't be this way.. if the other person has already moved on... Things are so much simpler in the world of computers... you get an error you find a way to fix it.. debug it... patch it... whatever... you work with what you have... in the real world... there's no patching, no debugging or fixing... only moving on.. and working with what you don't have anymore.. working with the void that was created by someone you love.. gone.
So this is the end of my second relationship. I've learned a lot.. but I feel that I leave this relationship... a bit bitter.. without feeling loved. Perhaps the girl didn't deserve so much from me.. because I poured everything I had... I feel empty.. like a pot that was full of soup... and now it's gone... it was all used to feed someone...
Here I wallow on my post.. maybe I will move on .. hopefully soon...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Make it stop.
I have to say that many things happen without you expecting. I wish things went according to plan.. I hate that plans don't work out when it involves another person.. but that's maybe what people have such a hard time finding in life. Making their plans correlate with another person.. but for that to happen so many things have to be right.. like interests, life style, desires, family's virtues...
This brings me back to the night that I burned a few things out of my life... things that reminded me of certain someone... while it was a great memento of the times you spend with the other, it also was a source of great sadness.. of what didn't work out.. you feel like a failure again. So there is a pattern to how this works.. some people try to get over another person by indulging on food... or drugs.. like alcohol or weed.... some people will gain a lot of weight.. some people will lose a lot of weight... some people become bitter and very closed.... some people will mourn for a few weeks and.. somehow come to the realization of moving on.. like a miracle... I wonder what I will be this time. Would I follow the pattern that was a destructive hurricane of seeing random woman? Would I eat to a point where a peer will make fun of my weight? would i .. become bitter? stay tuned..
This brings me back to the night that I burned a few things out of my life... things that reminded me of certain someone... while it was a great memento of the times you spend with the other, it also was a source of great sadness.. of what didn't work out.. you feel like a failure again. So there is a pattern to how this works.. some people try to get over another person by indulging on food... or drugs.. like alcohol or weed.... some people will gain a lot of weight.. some people will lose a lot of weight... some people become bitter and very closed.... some people will mourn for a few weeks and.. somehow come to the realization of moving on.. like a miracle... I wonder what I will be this time. Would I follow the pattern that was a destructive hurricane of seeing random woman? Would I eat to a point where a peer will make fun of my weight? would i .. become bitter? stay tuned..
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Things come and go
There's a reason to why everything happens. I pray that things work out to the optimistic way that we think.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Love is like cocaine, look it up on wikipedia
You all heard that being in a romantic love acts like a cocaine right? no? well.. let me explain.
Cocaine increases dopamine and serotonin in your nucleus accumbens, which is the pleasure center in your brain. But this effect doesn't last forever because your body can metabolize these compounds. This is when you get the feeling of depression because now those chemicals that sent "happy" feelings to your brain is no more. Similarly, in a relationship, if you ever get romantic with each other, your body releases serotonin whenever you think of your significant other, assuming that the relationship is great. This is especially true during the honeymoon stage when couples spend most of their time in bed. As there is a downside to the broken down happy chemicals, there is a downside to a romantic relationship ending.
I don't know my reason for telling you this. I guess I just found this interesting, but please stay away from cocaine :). There are plenty of women/men out there that you can get into a romantic relationship with, and feel the withdrawal after, but I have to warn you, after it happens, you might not want to start one again.
Undergrad is finally over for me, and I won't be going back to school till august, assuming I get into pharm school. I have a few plans ahead. I am not as active as I want to be. I was so focused to get the grades during school year that I seem to miss out a lot too. End of this semester, I was sad to leave my roommate, who i got to know over the past year and a half. We have gotten quite close, and it was sad to think that maybe he would have a crappy roommate (assuming he thought I was great). A few of my plans include 1. getting back in shape, 2. working a lot to keep myself busy, 3. volunteering whenever I can, 4. learning stocks, 5. traveling to korea, and 6. getting in touch with a few old friends.
I just remembered why I wrote about cocaine. It's because although cocaine has severe withdrawal symptoms that can lead to suicidal thoughts and depression that are severe enough for hospitalization, I still don't believe that it's worse than a heart break. Although I think it's something everyone should experience sometime in their life... I feel that sometimes it's too much.
Has anyone seen district 9? it's crazy. That man, although not that well-liked by others, loved his woman to the very end. He wasn't even a human at the end.. that's some love.. hardcore shit. You rock aliennotwelllikedbyothers guy.
Cocaine increases dopamine and serotonin in your nucleus accumbens, which is the pleasure center in your brain. But this effect doesn't last forever because your body can metabolize these compounds. This is when you get the feeling of depression because now those chemicals that sent "happy" feelings to your brain is no more. Similarly, in a relationship, if you ever get romantic with each other, your body releases serotonin whenever you think of your significant other, assuming that the relationship is great. This is especially true during the honeymoon stage when couples spend most of their time in bed. As there is a downside to the broken down happy chemicals, there is a downside to a romantic relationship ending.
I don't know my reason for telling you this. I guess I just found this interesting, but please stay away from cocaine :). There are plenty of women/men out there that you can get into a romantic relationship with, and feel the withdrawal after, but I have to warn you, after it happens, you might not want to start one again.
Undergrad is finally over for me, and I won't be going back to school till august, assuming I get into pharm school. I have a few plans ahead. I am not as active as I want to be. I was so focused to get the grades during school year that I seem to miss out a lot too. End of this semester, I was sad to leave my roommate, who i got to know over the past year and a half. We have gotten quite close, and it was sad to think that maybe he would have a crappy roommate (assuming he thought I was great). A few of my plans include 1. getting back in shape, 2. working a lot to keep myself busy, 3. volunteering whenever I can, 4. learning stocks, 5. traveling to korea, and 6. getting in touch with a few old friends.
I just remembered why I wrote about cocaine. It's because although cocaine has severe withdrawal symptoms that can lead to suicidal thoughts and depression that are severe enough for hospitalization, I still don't believe that it's worse than a heart break. Although I think it's something everyone should experience sometime in their life... I feel that sometimes it's too much.
Has anyone seen district 9? it's crazy. That man, although not that well-liked by others, loved his woman to the very end. He wasn't even a human at the end.. that's some love.. hardcore shit. You rock aliennotwelllikedbyothers guy.
Friday, November 20, 2009
I wish I wrote this..
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up to O tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. W e plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
George Carlin
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up to O tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. W e plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
George Carlin
Saturday, November 14, 2009
First post!
This just in live from San Francisco:
While driving to SF, I came to a realization that although I was not hungry, I wanted something to eat. I don't believe there is a word that depicts that specific urge. I want to come up with a word that depicts that but in a creative manner. English language still has a lot of room for more words, and I shall contribute. Have you ever bought a dictionary and think "hmm.. this dictionary contains every word and every synonym to a word available and yet.. it's not THAT big." Yes, I know it's stupid to think so because it's not about how many words there are in a language, but about how many sentences and relations with each word you can make, like permutation in math.
Back to the point.. what word would describe my urge of munch while not hungry, and while driving? Well I know a perfect word that means you aren't hungry: Satiated. How about I call this: Satiadriunch. I know it doesn't sound cool like putting possible and impossible together and making words like imposimpable.
Back to the point.. what word would describe my urge of munch while not hungry, and while driving? Well I know a perfect word that means you aren't hungry: Satiated. How about I call this: Satiadriunch. I know it doesn't sound cool like putting possible and impossible together and making words like imposimpable.
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